Somewhere in GCHQ Headquarters, Cheltenham…
– Come in, Jenkins – take a seat. What can I do for you today?
– Well sir, it’s about the surveillance program we’ve been running for the past few years.
– You mean the one where we hack into everyone’s webcams to analyse their cum-faces?
– Yes, sir.
– What about it?
– With all due respect, I don’t think it’s very effective, sir.
– What do you mean?
– Well I just don’t think studying people’s contorted facial expressions as they climax to pornography is helping in the fight against global terrorism, sir.
– You’ve been reading The Guardian haven’t you Jenkins?
– What? No, I…
– Listen, you’ve seen the same intelligence reports I have. They indicate that, and I quote: “terrorists may be communicating with each other using a complex code of rolling eyes, gaping mouths and violent shuddering in order to coordinate attacks against the West.”
– I just find it hard to believe ISIS would do something so perverted, sir.
– Terrorists are depraved animals Jenkins, you know that.
– I suppose…
– Now if you don’t mind, I’m a very busy man.
– Sorry for taking up your time, sir. Wait…what’s that on the screen?
– What screen?
– The one on the wall behind you. Is that Jones and Parker in the surveillance room? Have you been watching us?
– I…erm…I’m merely making sure we don’t have any double agents working for us. The wilful misinterpretation of a single cum-face could result in the death of hundreds of innocent people.
– Look, if you must know – this goes all the way to the top. Right now the Prime Minister is sat at her desk in Downing Street with a glass of red wine, flicking her bean to footage of the Foreign Secretary wanking to footage of me when I should be tossing one off to footage of you watching thousands of people watch other, more good-looking people have sex. Happy now?
– Not really. Especially since us guys in the surveillance room seem to be the only ones not enjoying ourselves.
– You didn’t join GCHQ to have fun, Jenkins. You joined to serve Queen and Country.
– Hang on, is the Queen involved in this too?
– I’m going to have to kill you now Jenkins. You know too much.